“The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man perfected without trials.” ~ Confucius
As much as I hate to admit it, life can sometimes get in the
way of doing the things I love to do.
When life throws me a curve ball, or two, or three, I know my tendency
is to place everything on hold while I attempt to work through said curve
balls. This is exactly why I have
not posted anything on my blog in the last few weeks. I let circumstances get the better of me and I have
neglected my writing. To an
extent, I have neglected my running.
Oh, for sure, I have been out there putting in the miles, whether on the
trail or the road, but my heart hasn’t been in it. Running has felt laborious. It has felt draining.
My legs have felt like dead weight. It just has not felt enjoyable like it had been before I
started dodging curve balls. And,
I want that enjoyment back. I want
to feel great out there. I want to
feel the pleasure of running. But,
how do I get back there? That is
an answer I don’t have at this point.
Because I am still within the first six months of my
training as a runner, I don’t know how this will turn out. I don’t know how long it will take to
regain my love of running; my looking forward to putting in long
distances. It’s as though I just
have too much time to think. Too
much time to ponder. Too much time
to wonder. I reach points out
there where I feel okay. I feel
lighter and gain a better understanding of myself. But, I still don’t find any pleasure or resolution. Too much exists outside of my
control. And, that is the real
issue for me. I feel vulnerable
when my perception is that I do not have control over the situation. In reality, we never really have
control over our environment, only ourselves. We cannot possibly know what others are going to do or say
at any given moment. We can’t know
their thoughts or motivations. We
can’t control the weather. We
can’t control how others see us or what they think about us. We can only take stock of the situation
and control how we will view it and respond to it; how we will perceive and
respond to others. In the words of Sir Roger L'estrange, “It is not the place, nor the condition,
but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.”
I have been working diligently for the past week to do just
this. When I feel myself spiraling
into negative thought patterns and questions of “Why me?” or “What if this or
that?,” I then ask myself, “So what?
Is there anything I can do to change the situation?’’ If there is, I do it. If there isn’t, I stop ruminating over
it and focus my energy in the present moment. Is this easy?
No. Absolutely not. I am changing lifelong patterns of
relating and it is hard. It is
uncomfortable. But, it is worth
it. Instead of feeling anxious and
fearful, I feel more calm and relaxed, more often. I feel more confident in my own abilities. I am learning to believe in myself and
trust myself.
So, maybe my discomfort with writing and running is not so
bad after all. I am learning a lot
about myself. I am growing and
developing into a stronger, more confident woman, which is what my journey has
been all about and will continue to be all about. With comfort comes complacency. Moving outside that comfort zone cultivates growth and
development. As frightening as it
may be at times, I think I’ll keep pushing those boundaries and limits. I will keep running. I will keep writing. I will keep growing. I will keep developing. I will keep on keeping on. And, I will remind myself of the words
of Huanchu Daoren…“Happiness in comfort is not real happiness.
Happiness in the midst of hardship, one sees the true potential of the mind.”
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